Everyone and their brother has an opinion on this. This is a topic in adoption that really bothers me. I've been reading some facebook posts in a couple of adoption groups, and there was a post that really made my panties bunch up. Basically, it stated that some expectant moms make an adoption plan for their children because they cannot afford to raise a child. Why fund raise... if a couple can't afford an adoption, they shouldn't adopt.
This bothers me. A lot. Mainly because we had a couple of fundraisers before we even knew about our daughter/her birth mom.
Here's the deal: when you go buy a new car, do you pay everything up front or do you finance it? Most people finance it because the do not have $20,000 plus to buy a car.
Adoption through an agency is very expensive: usually runs minimum $22,000. I know that's crazy, and I still don't completely understand where all of that money goes. Who has that kind of money to just put down? If you do, great! Good for you!
But it is the same as the car: can you afford the car payments? Yes? Good. With adoption: Can you afford to provide food, a roof, clothing, and tons of love, and spoil this child? Yes? Great! They just can't afford the initial money for the adoption process. And really, when a woman gets pregnant, do they need to pay $20,000 plus when they have a baby? Nope!
Not many have access to that much money. Our agency had turned us down because we did not know where those funds were going to come from and we were so heart broken. We started by selling everything of value we had on ebay (lots of jewelry). Then we had a yard sale. Then we started adoption tee-shirt sales. and I was baby sitting for three different families. At that point, we probably had like 3000. We decided to hold a spaghetti dinner (my mother in law-who was dying to be a grandmother, made all the delicious food), we had people donate things to auctioned off, we bought some things to auction off, and we did a 50/50 so people were getting something for there money. We made like 6500 from this. It was amazing! (side note: we did have quite a few people donate money to us because they wanted to, that is fine, too. But I like the idea of people getting something for their money, whether it is a tee-shirt, food or a raffle ticket.)
We did not need to have any other fundraisers at this point (though I think we were planning on some), because a few short months later, we were self matched with an expectant mom who wanted a private adoption. That ended up being the best thing because it costs us around 8500 (including two lawyers, paperwork, and court costs) which was amazing.
So, in summary: there is nothing wrong with fundraising. As long as you have proof of what you are using it for, it shouldn't matter. Most people cannot fork over 20, 000 bucks for a car, why would they be able to do this for an adoption? In order for people to "buy in" we had to open up to tell our story. Our very infertile story. It was hard. And then we had to put the whole adoption process out for people who were helping us to see. We felt like we owed it to them.
Looking back: would we do it all over again? Absolutely! It was SO worth it. All you have to do is look at my 4.5 year old daughter to see that it was. While we probably aren't going to fundraise this next adoption go around (starting soon!), I do recommend it. Besides, have you seen the amounts people raise on gofundme accounts and there is is absolutely no proof of any of that?
Friday, April 21, 2017
Friday, February 3, 2017
Foster Adoption... a great idea. But not for everyone.
So, I've been seeing some of these *lovely* memes on facebook about "If you are truly pro life you should adopt from foster care." These get under my skin because they treat this like, well, if you really are for life, then prove it! Do something as simple as adopt an older child. Well, it's not that simple.
Now before I go any further you should know that my husband and I set out in 2010 to adopt from foster care. We did not think we could adopt a baby because we are both Catholic school teachers, and frankly, we aren't made of money. We thought that this was going to be our only option. So, once we figured that out, we signed up to take the foster/adoption classes in our county. We did our homestudy (which took FOREVER to complete because we had some MAJOR snow that year). We went through all of the classes We met some great people, had some serious discussions.
We set out our parameters: my husband teaches high school and I teach middle school. Neither of us were interested in going straight into parenting a pre-teen or a teenager. It works for some people, but not for others. But that is okay. You need to know what works for you. So, our age range was infant-nine years old, either a boy or a girl.
We were approved and we waited. And waited and waited.
See, the "problem" with foster adoption is that most counties are set up for reunification. Meaning, they do everything in their power to reunite families. And that is an awesome goal. Why wouldn't you want to help parents and children through their problems and reunite them? See, it's not really a problem per say, it's that if you really want to adopt, you have to do the foster to adoption program. And, most of the time, they are looking reunify. Again, not a problem. But, if you want to adopt, it doesn't necessarily work out for you.
So in our paperwork, we specified that we were looking to adopt. Now, after waiting a long while, we got our first phone call. The first phone call was for a four or five year old. But, that didn't work out. They found another placement. But, that didn't matter. We were excited! This could only mean there were more where that comes from! Right?! Because everyone talks about all of these children in foster care who need homes/ permanent homes. There would be lots of phone calls. Or at least that is what we thought, anyways. The second phone call came a week or two later. They needed to place a 16 year old. This was not anywhere near what we were prepared to accept. So we declined. Then we were confused. Why were they calling us? We were prepared to accept an infant-nine year old. Didn't they look at our information? Apparently, no, they do not. A few more weeks went by without any phone calls. The last phone call I remember answering was for a 16 year old girl and her infant sister. They swore the this was a set of sisters but it sounded strangely like a mother/daughter situation. Again, this was not a situation we could accept, so we had to pass.
At this point, we had lots of questions and no answers. Where were all those children who needed homes? Yes, it's not a mystery a lot of older children need homes. But they aren't the only ones who do. So, since we had a completed homestudy, we started looking elsewhere to adopt a child. There are several places on the internet in which you can inquire about children who need a permanent home (who are free to adopt). One of the places that we used quite regularly was adoptuskids.org. This is a wonderful website in which they give basic information and a picture of a child and then provide the caseworker that works with this child. If they think you would be a good match, they request your homestudy. Then they narrow it down.
We must have inquired/sent homestudies out for about 3-4 dozen of children (yes, you read that correctly). I believe after sending the homestudies out, we probably heard back from a handful of caseworkers. Most of them telling us that they had already chosen a family for that particular child. Then, that led to more questions. Why is this child still on the site if she already has a family? Other questions: why aren't caseworkers responding to our requests if they want to place this child. I know its a stressful job with lots of hours. But at least an emailed response would have been helpful.
So, around late February/ early March we received an email from one of the caseworkers of a girl in Virginia that we had sent our homestudy to. They wanted to do a phone interview with us! This was exciting! The interview went quite well. About a week after the phone interviews, we were told that we were one of three possible families that were being interviewed for a forever family for this little girl! They scheduled to come up from Virginia to give us more information and meet us in person. This was so exciting! The meeting lasted like 2 hours and went very well. They even told us this. After our meeting, they said they would let us know within a week if we were chosen. Well, after a week and a half, to two weeks later, we had heard nothing. So, I contacted our homestudy worker to find out if she could find something out. She called us right back and told us that we were not chosen. Now, this was devastating, but what she told us next was something I would never ever forget. The reason we weren't chosen had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that we were younger and there was a possibility we could have children later, and that would not have been a good thing for this child who needed to be an only child. Not only this, but it wasn't "fair" to us so they didn't choose us because of this. It aggravates me that this was the reason because they never once asked us if we were willing to parent this child as an only child. We had already discussed this as a possibility but they never asked us! And second, how can you deem what is "fair"? How can you make a judgement call on our lives like that?
Now, we were very, very upset about this. In fact, it was this very event that made me think that we were not meant to be doing foster/adoption. There was a lot of time spent in prayer, and research to figure it out. I know now that this event was to get us where we were (or thought we should be) to where we needed to be. Honestly, without this experience, we would not have our four year old daughter right now.
However, that being said, I feel like when I see people post about how expensive it is to adopt, and there is ALWAYS a response that says " adopting from foster care is free!" Well, this may be true (although I think you still pay for court costs), adopting from foster care isn't always the best or the right answer. You have to be ready for what foster/adoption brings. It's not easy/something to take lightly. Children in foster care have a lot of baggage (and I don't mean stuff). It's not the same as adopting an infant and I feel like people ignore this fact. If you can and want to do it, then do it! It's a life changing event for all involved.
So when people try to tell you that adopting from foster care is free, sure... it mostly is. But it really isn't for everyone.
Now before I go any further you should know that my husband and I set out in 2010 to adopt from foster care. We did not think we could adopt a baby because we are both Catholic school teachers, and frankly, we aren't made of money. We thought that this was going to be our only option. So, once we figured that out, we signed up to take the foster/adoption classes in our county. We did our homestudy (which took FOREVER to complete because we had some MAJOR snow that year). We went through all of the classes We met some great people, had some serious discussions.
We set out our parameters: my husband teaches high school and I teach middle school. Neither of us were interested in going straight into parenting a pre-teen or a teenager. It works for some people, but not for others. But that is okay. You need to know what works for you. So, our age range was infant-nine years old, either a boy or a girl.
We were approved and we waited. And waited and waited.
See, the "problem" with foster adoption is that most counties are set up for reunification. Meaning, they do everything in their power to reunite families. And that is an awesome goal. Why wouldn't you want to help parents and children through their problems and reunite them? See, it's not really a problem per say, it's that if you really want to adopt, you have to do the foster to adoption program. And, most of the time, they are looking reunify. Again, not a problem. But, if you want to adopt, it doesn't necessarily work out for you.
So in our paperwork, we specified that we were looking to adopt. Now, after waiting a long while, we got our first phone call. The first phone call was for a four or five year old. But, that didn't work out. They found another placement. But, that didn't matter. We were excited! This could only mean there were more where that comes from! Right?! Because everyone talks about all of these children in foster care who need homes/ permanent homes. There would be lots of phone calls. Or at least that is what we thought, anyways. The second phone call came a week or two later. They needed to place a 16 year old. This was not anywhere near what we were prepared to accept. So we declined. Then we were confused. Why were they calling us? We were prepared to accept an infant-nine year old. Didn't they look at our information? Apparently, no, they do not. A few more weeks went by without any phone calls. The last phone call I remember answering was for a 16 year old girl and her infant sister. They swore the this was a set of sisters but it sounded strangely like a mother/daughter situation. Again, this was not a situation we could accept, so we had to pass.
At this point, we had lots of questions and no answers. Where were all those children who needed homes? Yes, it's not a mystery a lot of older children need homes. But they aren't the only ones who do. So, since we had a completed homestudy, we started looking elsewhere to adopt a child. There are several places on the internet in which you can inquire about children who need a permanent home (who are free to adopt). One of the places that we used quite regularly was adoptuskids.org. This is a wonderful website in which they give basic information and a picture of a child and then provide the caseworker that works with this child. If they think you would be a good match, they request your homestudy. Then they narrow it down.
We must have inquired/sent homestudies out for about 3-4 dozen of children (yes, you read that correctly). I believe after sending the homestudies out, we probably heard back from a handful of caseworkers. Most of them telling us that they had already chosen a family for that particular child. Then, that led to more questions. Why is this child still on the site if she already has a family? Other questions: why aren't caseworkers responding to our requests if they want to place this child. I know its a stressful job with lots of hours. But at least an emailed response would have been helpful.
So, around late February/ early March we received an email from one of the caseworkers of a girl in Virginia that we had sent our homestudy to. They wanted to do a phone interview with us! This was exciting! The interview went quite well. About a week after the phone interviews, we were told that we were one of three possible families that were being interviewed for a forever family for this little girl! They scheduled to come up from Virginia to give us more information and meet us in person. This was so exciting! The meeting lasted like 2 hours and went very well. They even told us this. After our meeting, they said they would let us know within a week if we were chosen. Well, after a week and a half, to two weeks later, we had heard nothing. So, I contacted our homestudy worker to find out if she could find something out. She called us right back and told us that we were not chosen. Now, this was devastating, but what she told us next was something I would never ever forget. The reason we weren't chosen had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that we were younger and there was a possibility we could have children later, and that would not have been a good thing for this child who needed to be an only child. Not only this, but it wasn't "fair" to us so they didn't choose us because of this. It aggravates me that this was the reason because they never once asked us if we were willing to parent this child as an only child. We had already discussed this as a possibility but they never asked us! And second, how can you deem what is "fair"? How can you make a judgement call on our lives like that?
Now, we were very, very upset about this. In fact, it was this very event that made me think that we were not meant to be doing foster/adoption. There was a lot of time spent in prayer, and research to figure it out. I know now that this event was to get us where we were (or thought we should be) to where we needed to be. Honestly, without this experience, we would not have our four year old daughter right now.
However, that being said, I feel like when I see people post about how expensive it is to adopt, and there is ALWAYS a response that says " adopting from foster care is free!" Well, this may be true (although I think you still pay for court costs), adopting from foster care isn't always the best or the right answer. You have to be ready for what foster/adoption brings. It's not easy/something to take lightly. Children in foster care have a lot of baggage (and I don't mean stuff). It's not the same as adopting an infant and I feel like people ignore this fact. If you can and want to do it, then do it! It's a life changing event for all involved.
So when people try to tell you that adopting from foster care is free, sure... it mostly is. But it really isn't for everyone.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Try, try again
Hi there (again)!
This is the third incarnation of this blog. Initially it started out as a way to allow others to come on our adventure to adopt,and then it went on a NaPro adventure in which we tried to figure out what was wrong with our infertility. But now, I believe it's going back on the road as a way to track our adoption process.
A little background, my husband and I have been married for over 10 years, and we have never been able to conceive (ever). We initially went through the foster/adoption training in our state, and were very close to being chosen to parent a 10 year old. It was down to us and three other couples. We were actually also told that we were one of two couples. But, because we were younger and deemed that we *might* have children in the future, we weren't chosen. It was a heartbreaking time. It was a time of refocus. We decided that maybe, we could, eventually adopt an infant. We never thought we could before. We raised a lot of funds (being that we were two poor Catholic school teachers) and then, one day, friends of ours called us and ended up being a call that would change our lives forever.
On our eighth anniversary, a little itty bitty baby was born (5lbs 5 oz) and our world was changed in every good way possible. She is now a crazy four year old who is in preschool.
So, in future posts I plan to cover:
-abortion
-you cannot hate a child's birthmother no matter who she is
-why adopting from foster care is awesome, but it's not for everyone
-fundraising in adoption
-adoption: agency vs private
-international adoption- it's pulling at my heartstrings, but we can't afford to
-
This is the third incarnation of this blog. Initially it started out as a way to allow others to come on our adventure to adopt,and then it went on a NaPro adventure in which we tried to figure out what was wrong with our infertility. But now, I believe it's going back on the road as a way to track our adoption process.
A little background, my husband and I have been married for over 10 years, and we have never been able to conceive (ever). We initially went through the foster/adoption training in our state, and were very close to being chosen to parent a 10 year old. It was down to us and three other couples. We were actually also told that we were one of two couples. But, because we were younger and deemed that we *might* have children in the future, we weren't chosen. It was a heartbreaking time. It was a time of refocus. We decided that maybe, we could, eventually adopt an infant. We never thought we could before. We raised a lot of funds (being that we were two poor Catholic school teachers) and then, one day, friends of ours called us and ended up being a call that would change our lives forever.
On our eighth anniversary, a little itty bitty baby was born (5lbs 5 oz) and our world was changed in every good way possible. She is now a crazy four year old who is in preschool.
So, in future posts I plan to cover:
-abortion
-you cannot hate a child's birthmother no matter who she is
-why adopting from foster care is awesome, but it's not for everyone
-fundraising in adoption
-adoption: agency vs private
-international adoption- it's pulling at my heartstrings, but we can't afford to
-
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